Kevin Fischer is a veteran broadcaster, the recipient of over 150 major journalism awards from the Milwaukee Press Club, the Wisconsin Associated Press, the Northwest Broadcast News Association, the Wisconsin Bar Association, and others. He has been seen and heard on Milwaukee TV and radio stations for over three decades. A longtime aide to state Senate Republicans in the Wisconsin Legislature, Kevin can be seen offering his views on the news on the public affairs program, "InterCHANGE," on Milwaukee Public Television Channel 10, and heard filling in on Newstalk 1130 WISN. He lives with his wife, Jennifer, and their lovely young daughter, Kyla Audrey, in Franklin.
President George W. Bush greets soldiers after speaking to troops at Fort Campbell, Ky, .Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2008. (AP Photo/Gerald Herbert)
Bodies lie near the swimming pool of the Taj Mahal hotel after shootings by unidentified assailants in Mumbai November 26, 2008. Elite Indian commandos fought room-to-room battles with Islamist militants inside two luxury hotels to save scores of people trapped or taken hostage, as the country's prime minister blamed neighbouring countries. Picture taken November 26, 2008. Reuters
Times are mighty depressing, what with the economy floundering and Democrats in charge of everything. So a Florida pastor is telling his flock to, AHEM, you know……go home and make some whoopee.
I’m all for that, although, like the song goes, the time will come when my theme song will be, “I should have danced all night.”
“He's washing dishes and baby cloths
He's so ambitious he even sows
but don't forget folks that’s what you get folks
for makin’ whoopee”
When I was in church Sunday, the homily was ho-hum, bland, strictly strict. The priest never came close to urging those in the pews to head for home, turn off the lights, and pitch woo. Not like that guy in Florida.
Jump each other, a lot, he told his parishioners. Not in those words, but definitely in this time frame. Once is not enough. Seven straight days, ladies and gentlemen.
Again, that’s just fine. Or is it?
I might respectfully suggest to this man of the cloth that his idea is pretty wimpy and might not even work up a sweat compared to the advice some couples are following from their religious leaders.
Seven days? That’s kid’s stuff up in the balcony of the old Modjeska Theater.
You want to stir up some passion? Try this.
Of course, that might, in some instances, prove to be fatal. But Max Sass might have a hard time getting that smile off your face.
It is still fall. We have about a month to go before we officially hit winter.
That means that it is meteorologically impossible to have temperatures at or below freezing or to see freezing precipitation, i.e. snow.
Now play along with me folks.
See the below youtube video. It's pretty obvious what it is. Just go ahead, play along with me alright, and click the arrow......don't listen yet! Let the video play for awhile with the sound completely down.
There’s a certain order, a certain regiment surrounding Thanksgiving. You might say the holiday has revered traditions. Here’s the longer explanation. Let’s start from the very beginning.
Thanksgiving Day morning. You wake up. Is McDonald’s open?
You drag yourself to the mailbox to grab the morning paper. Wifey-poo wants to see the biggest, best edition of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel ever. Well, at least from an ads standpoint.
McDonald’s is open, by golly. Even though you will eat your cotton pickin’ guts out in just a few hours, you must have grease and cholesterol and it must come in a Golden Arches wrapper.
What time is it? We better not miss that parade! I’ve been watching it since I was forced to when I was 6 years old, damn it! If I don’t see the Underdog float, there’s going to be hell to pay!
“Uhh, Dad, Underdog isn’t in the parade anymore. But Bolt will be.”
“DON’T YOU TALK BACK TO YOUR FATHER. UNDERDOG HAS BEEN IN THAT PARADE LONG BEFORE YOU WERE BORN, DO YOU HEAR ME AND IT’S NOT THE MACY’S PARADE UNLESS UNDERDOG FLIES ABOVE NEW YORK CITY ON THANKSGIVING DAY!”
Float after float.
Marching band after band.
“WHEN THE HELL IS THIS PARADE OVER WITH? I’M GONNA MISS THE GAME!”
Early. Very early on T-Day, even if it is the winless, hapless Detroit Lions.
I gotta see it. I’ve got money on the blasted game.
Repeat same tirade at 3:00 when the Dallas Cowboys play their annual holiday game in Texas. Only it goes something like this:
“Turn off that dog show. No more It’s a Wonderful Life. We’ve seen that junk a million times. The poor sap finds God and runs around town yelling and screaming like a maniac. PUT ON THE STINKIN’ GAME!”
That is the long version. The short version, minus all this keen analysis is that Thanksgiving is all about:
All those other traditions come second.
Thanksgiving is about food and what you eat, and what you eat on Thanksgiving is turkey.
And what you eat is turkey unless you’re one of two things:
But, Kevin…vegetarians have to eat, even on Thanksgiving.
True. But they should do so without any fanfare and not ruin this long-awaited holiday for the rest of us slovenly meat eaters.
Thanksgiving isn’t about vegetarians. It’s about what Paul Ianaelli, long-time official with Festa Italiana told me about how Italians eat. He said, “Kevin, I’m a gonna tell you somethin’. Italians, they a don’t eat to be sated. No, no, no, Kevin. Italians eat to hurt themselves.”
Same thing for red-blooded, true blue Americans on Thanksgiving. You don’t eat brussels sprouts all year. On the 4th Thursday of November, pile those babies on my plate!
Dallas is up by 87 points? No sweat, Undo my belt buckle and let me watch the 4th quarter in sublime joy.
And it all begins with, after the 35 hors d'oeuvres you devoured before dinner, turkey as the main dish. Not beef. Not pork. Not lamb. The same dinner Miles Standish had that led to the famous sub at Suburbia.
That’s why this is so disgusting.
It’s just so wrong. No other words of analysis are necessary.
Miss Manners was recently confronted with a Thanksgiving family dilemma:
"Dear Miss Manners: This year I will be hosting a rather large Thanksgiving dinner for family. My sister-in-law will be bringing her boyfriend, who is a vegetarian. I had planned on offering several vegetarian options, as I want him to feel welcome.
My sister-in-law informed my husband they preferred that no meat be served, but if we insisted, could we make sure not to cook meat/nonmeat items in the oven at the same time, and could we refrain from ceremoniously carving the turkey at the table? How should I handle this request?"
Now hold the gravy, alright. Who does the twig-eating boyfriend think he is? He’s a guest, and he’s making menu demands? Hello, you’re a weirdo. Ever stop to think that 99% of the people you’ll be spending the holiday with won’t be satisfied with nuts, cardboard, and wheat thins?
Don’t cook meat with non-meat items in the oven at the same time? What are you, some kind of Pollyanna wuss? Don’t carve the turkey at the table? Why don’t you just go outside when the electric knife comes out and count your beads.
Miss Manners’ response:
"Gentle Reader: With the firm conviction that you are graciously attending to the needs of a guest by making sure that he will have enough to eat, and need not let him take over the running of the household.
You might also suggest to your sister that Thanksgiving, with its food rituals, may not be the best holiday which to bring the gentleman. Should he become a member of the family, Miss Manners would think your sister-in-law would want to hold family Thanksgiving at their house, where they will be in charge."
In my view, vegetarians at Thanksgiving are like atheists at Christmastime:
1) Nobody gives a rip about you.
2) You are clearly in the minority so shut your yap.
3) If you’re my guest in my house, understand this is Thanksgiving, Bozo. You make no, I mean no demands on me or my menu. Understand that turkey will be carved, served and eaten with great joy. If you can’t refrain from losing it, then kindly take your tofu-eatin’ self and get the hell out of my house.
Now that we’ve settled that, would somebody please pass the dark meat and the stuffing?
Here's last year's Thanksgiving culinary no-no...........and yet another. Do you really want to do this?