This Just In ...

Culinary no-no #175

Posted by Kevin Fischer on July 18, 2010

Culinary no-no's

 
This week, an air of sophistication surrounds the Culinary no-no. Not too much elitist snobbery, you understand. However, Culinary no-no #175 is a bit more upper crust than previous entries about brats, pizza, and belly busting gut bombs.

The subject is wine. Not by the glass, but ordering bottles of vino at fancy dining establishments.

This exercise can be unnerving, about as pleasant as walking into a car dealership, a real confidence breaker.

I found the following instructional video to be quite informative, a perfect primer on how to not be overcome by a desire to jump out the restaurant window when faced with making an appropriate selection. Please watch this excellent presentation by Rick Bertrand, the founder of Tarini Wines.

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Nice job.

Other pointers.

Dummies.com writes:

 “Plan to order the wine at the same time that you order the food in a restaurant — if not sooner; otherwise, you may be sipping water with your first course.  Ask to see one or two bottles; your familiarity with the labels, seeing the name of an importer whose other wines you have enjoyed, or some other aspect of the label may help you make up your mind.”

Seriouseats.com says:

“It's OK to mention a price range. Really. Swirl the wine a couple of seconds. Not longer. The goal is to aerate the wine a bit—not to slosh it around and show off.

You can't send back a wine just because you don't like it."

You don't have to be a big shot and demand the priciest thing on the wine list. It's perfectly acceptable to say, ‘I'd like to spend $75 and I'd like a Cabernet.

Be specific. Never, EVER, walk into a wine store or restaurant and ask for '...a nice, dry red wine.’ It's the same as walking into a grocery store and saying: 'Excuse me, do you have any FOOD?’

Don't sniff the cork It won't tell you much, and you'll look like a pretentious jerk."

I am not a wine aficionado. That’s my wife’s department.

Red goes with beef. White goes with fish. Yeh, yeh, I got that. And I know what a sommelier does and I know how to spell sommelier.

Beyond that? “Would you like to see the wine list, sir?” No thanks.

Rarely do I order wine, unless it’s a prix fixe menu and wines are paired with each course. I trust the experts.

OK, OK Fisch-man, where’s the no-no?

I’m gettin’ to it!

I’m gettin’ to it!

And I’ve seen the ritual many, many times. Doofus tries to impress pretty lady sitting across the table. He orders bottle. Bottle comes. He laughs as wine is poured. He sloshes it around endlessly as he erroneously holds the glass by the upper half. He sips and eventually gives his approval.

Is that about right?

Not anymore.

Did I miss something?

Wine ordered.

Check.

Wine comes.

Check.

Waiter/waitress shows wine to patron.

Check.

Wine is uncorked.

Check.

A smidge is poured.

Check.

The wine is sniffed and swirled.

Check.

The wine is sampled.

Check.

The wine is given thumbs up.

What did I leave out?

Simply the newest trend in purchasing bottled wine in the fanciest restaurants. Someone else has sampled the wine before you did. The sommelier.

The sommelier?

That’s right, the sommelier.

From the New York Times:

“Stephen Silberling,  a tax lawyer who considers himself a knowledgeable wine drinker, could not contain his astonishment as he told me of his recent experience in a New York restaurant. He had ordered a 2007 Chapoutier Côtes du Rhône Belleruche, a wine he and his date had enjoyed so much the previous week that they decided to drink it again. As they sipped their first glass, however, they both thought the wine tasted different, and they debated whether it was flawed.

Listening to the conversation, the sommelier piped up.

‘He said, ‘I’ve tasted the wine, it’s fine,’ Mr. Silberling recalled. ‘He tasted the wine? I was very surprised. I had never heard of that being done before’.”

Silberling is not alone. Upon finding out that without the diner’s approval, the sommelier has tasted his/her wine, the diner is surprised and uneasy and generally disapproves.

The high falootin’ restaurant defends the uninvited sampling, claiming it’s in the best interests of the consumer:

“Some restaurants believe that, since they are more familiar than most consumers with the wines they offer, they can save diners from accidentally accepting a bottle that is not up to standard.”

Ahhh, the arrogant “We know best approach,” a concept that NY Times writer Eric Asimov has completely bought into:

“Many people, even those who know something about wine, are not comfortable suggesting that a bottle is flawed. They might feel uncertain, or embarrassed, and would rather endure a bottle they are not enjoying than send it back. If a sommelier can prevent that, I think it’s worth the sip that’s sacrificed.”

Yep. Only the sommelier with his nose scraping the ceiling can tell if a bottle is flawed or not. Gee. Should someone at the restaurant be instructed to take a bite out of my $35 veal chop before it’s brought to the table?

This new effort at customer satisfaction has started on the one of the coasts, but is sure to move across the country.

I repeat. I am not a wine snob. However, I am fully capable of ordering a bottle of wine and don’t want any restaurant employee getting first crack, thank you.


CULINARY NO-NO BONUS

I'm not sure this is going to work.


ANOTHER CULINARY NO-NO BONUS

While working at WUWM in the 80’s, I had the pleasure of interviewing the late Major League Baseball umpire Ron Luciano who visited the studio on a book tour.

The hilarious Luciano noted that vendors at San Francisco’s Candlestick Park were selling Chablis.

“Get your Chablis,” Luciano mimicked the vendors, even pronouncing the “s.”

“People don’t want Chablis at a ballgame. They want the good American peanuts, popcorn, nachos,” said Luciano.

Amen.


AND FINALLY,

In the opening segment of this blog, a video featured Rick Bertrand, founder of Tarini Wines. Bertrand is a Republican candidate for the state Senate in Iowa. I mention now as opposed to earlier because I did not want to influence how his presentation was received.