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This Just In ...

Kevin Fischer is a veteran broadcaster, the recipient of over 150 major journalism awards from the Milwaukee Press Club, the Wisconsin Associated Press, the Northwest Broadcast News Association, the Wisconsin Bar Association, and others. He has been seen and heard on Milwaukee TV and radio stations for over three decades. A longtime aide to state Senate Republicans in the Wisconsin Legislature, Kevin can be seen offering his views on the news on the public affairs program, "InterCHANGE," on Milwaukee Public Television Channel 10, and heard filling in on Newstalk 1130 WISN. He lives with his wife, Jennifer, and their lovely young daughter, Kyla Audrey, in Franklin.

Culinary no-no #95

Culinary no-no's, ELVIS


MOMS AND DADS, BOYS AND GIRLS, I MUST INFORM YOU THIS EDITION OF THE MEGA-POPULAR CULINARY NO-NO CONTAINS X-RATED MATERIAL THAT I MUST CONFESS SOME READERS MIGHT FIND OFFENSIVE. IF, AFTER THIS WARNING, YOU CONTINUE TO READ ON AND FIND THE CONTENT APPALLING, PLEASE CONTACT MARK MALEY TO COMPLAIN:
NOW Online Editor Mark Maley | mmaley@cninow.com | (262) 446-6630


I have never been to, nor do I have any strong desire to visit the town of Vassalboro, Maine, located near Augusta. Its official web site describes the locale of 4,335 as a quaint slice of Americana:

"Vassalboro is a community nestled between the banks of the Kennebec River and the West Basin of China Lake. Fertile farmland, small villages, and gentle rolling hills give our town a unique character. Settled in 1760 and incorporated in 1771, Vassalboro has developed into a community committed to quality of life, economic opportunity, and a sound education system."

In the 2008 election, the town voted 1,291 for Barack Obama, and 1,059 for John McCain.

Like most small towns in the good ol' U.S. of A., I'm sure Vassalboro is hurting for business and, let's face it, excitement. What could little Vassalboro possibly do to help resolve both problems in one swift move? What would increase business, possibly tourism and create jobs and give the Vassalboro townsfolk something to buzz about?

Give up?

Try a topless coffee shop.

On January 6, 2008, after a three-hour meeting, the Vassalboro town planning board unanimously approved a proposal by local businessman Donald Crabtree to open a coffee shop featuring topless waitresses. The new venture, set to open as soon as next month, would be at the former Mac Daddy's Pub at the Fat Cat Grille (naturally) that has been vacant for over three years.

According to a published report, there would be "Topless service between 6 a.m. and 6 p.m. to 25 tables arranged on a checkerboard floor behind blacked-out windows and a cordon of security."

6 a.m.?  Talk about your eye opener!

Small town politics can be more fascinating than Peyton Place in the 1960's.  I love this, again from a published report:


"My husband doesn't drink coffee," said Erlile Pelletier, as she worked the cash register at Ferris Variety. "But I told him if he became a coffee drinker, we were getting a divorce."


That must have been some meeting on January 6 when the planning board threw up their hands and proclaimed their hands were tied.  Their weak defense was that they had no choice because there was no local ordinance prohibiting a topless coffee shop.

Well then, create one!

Again, from a published report:


"We have limited authority," Planning Board Chairwoman Virginia Brackett said. "You can yell at us all you want, but it doesn't change what we can do."


Uhh, excuse me. You did have a choice, especially considering that a crowd of up to 60 showed up at the meeting to oppose topless coffee. You could have, in the best interests of the town and in deference to the large crowd that attended your meeting voted...




NO!



I am not a prude, but I'm not a pig. A topless coffee shop? This isn't Vegas or LA. It's Vassalboro, Maine. I would bet that at least one person reading this blog spent two weeks there one night.

And I will write what I'm sure many men and some women readers are thinking. Just what in the hell would a topless waitress from Vassalboro look like in the first place? Might be enough to curdle your half and half.

Townspeople in Vassalboro, as much as it might sting, you lost to a bunch of cowardly morons. A cup of coffee just isn't worth it. Boycott the damn place, put it out of business, and then vote the el stupidos out of office.

Now, because I don't believe I've provided you "full" coverage of this story, here's more:

The Kennebec Morning Sentinel

The Boston Globe

Local TV report


CULINARY NO-NO BONUS

While caught in the frenzy of Obama-mania, some (lefties?) thought the Great One and Mrs. Great One would barrel into the White House and fire that no good W's chef. After all, Presdient Bush ate (Horror of horrors) hamburgers and hot dogs and pork rinds.

Guess again.


And there's more, yes, there's more.


Here's a leftover from ELVIS Birthday weekend. If you've stayed this long, and given your imperial taste for patronizing this blog I'm confident you have, you are in for yet another bonus treat, a first for This Just In...


Oh, this is almost far too good to just unleash on you without some previous warning.


But I have faith that you're a hearty bunch and can more than handle this special surprise just sprung on you....


Are you ready?


Take a deep breath.


Uhh one.


Uhh two.


It's time for.....




ELVIS CULINARY NO-NO FINAL JEOPARDY!!


Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, yes it's that time.....time once again for another This Just In edition of:



FINAL JEOPARDY!



Only this time, it's ELVIS CULINARY NO-NO FINAL JEOPARDY!



Are you ready?



Well then, let???s play!



Today's Final Jeopardy category is:




ELVIS CULINARY NO-NO




Now, you know how this works.




In a moment, I'll give you the Final Jeopardy clue.




You will have 30 seconds (if you play fair, that will be when the music runs out) to come up with an answer and remember, players your answer must be in the form of a question.




Ready.




Here's your clue.




The one food Elvis would not allow inside or to be cooked at Graceland.




Good luck!



 








OK, time's up.  Today's Final Jeopardy category is ELVIS CULINARY NO-NO.




The Final Jeopardy clue was, The one food Elvis would not allow inside or to be cooked at Graceland.




The correct Final Jeopardy answer is:

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What is seafood? (Elvis couldn't stand the smell. Source: Sirius Satellite Radio).

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